i'm sorry;;

why would i get with someone who's getting with me to get back at someone else to get back at someone who's getting with someone else?


hypocrit much lydia ..

Big One-Eight;;

The big one-eight.
Wow, its weird once you get here. Its good; even if it didn't hold all the promises it originally intended.
After the crash I guess my birthday became my safety net, which is excellent.. however my day to pay for the car shall come soon enough :s as will my time to drive (stupid James) which I am Incredibly nervous of.

Anyways, for those who care;;
My day was excellent. My glorious day started at 7am with my long joyous day of DFO shopping, in which I found Many many bargins.
i.am.in.love!
my birthday became day two of my family seeing me drunk. Embarrassing much.

A short top ten list ...
1. Mum certainly found out that I love her – “mummy, I love you so muchhh” .. recorded. Lovely.
2. Danced
3. Gave away james’ bday prezzie (ehhhh)
4. Much singing
5. Spun in the ocean
6. Fell in the ocean
7. Told taz I didn't know anything about vodka cause I’m ‘innocent’
8. Yelled loudly about the lunch special @ the raiders club thingo and said how much of a deceiving bitch the lady at reception was
9. Climbed over the table during speeches
10. Fell asleep on the toilet
Its been very amusing I bet.


Fortunately on my way home from Canberra when we went to fill up james was getting petty so I also saw my best friend on my birthday :) .. all in all it was fab.

Now, on my eighteen list I still have to buy a cigar and R18+ movie.. I think I’m done then, any other suggestions which I haven’t done?


PS. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!

Oh the joys of driving;;

I should have been a statistic;

I’m the girl who can usually hide emotion, in front of an audience that is; I hate to offend or hurt someone, just because of what I think, or I guess in this case feel. My alternative isn’t too great though; I take it out in my driving and become the typical reckless p-plater.
They say it blurs, happens so fast they can’t remember. I suppose I’m not normal, my brain slowed it all down, possibly due to adrenalin. First thought: ‘fuck, it’s actually happening to me’, that was when I started fishtailing off the corner at 90km/hour. I guess I didn't realise how serious it was until I started spinning; such an odd feeling, thinking you’re going to die. I was asked what I thought of, and I don’t really have an answer. I just watched as my headlights lighted up the trees believing that this was it. I’m now flooded with what ifs.. If it had of mattered much; sure it’s a sad concept but would they mind? Or cry at the funeral and never visit again. I hope it wouldn’t be a sad relief to my parents but where we’ve come to, I wouldn’t mind; I’d understand. I’m at a point where I’ve thought about death, wondered what happens; & then I’m facing it and I don’t care, I stay calm, and wait. But it didn't happen, because I’m lucky?

You have the rain to appreciate the sun;;

He said it’s not my fault. Doesn’t that just fit so cliché, something checked off a list that’s stuffed into his back pocket? They’re just words. And I’m not stupid. I’m know I’m not good enough, I never have been; how I got him in the first place is beyond me, cause I am, I’m nothing.

Wonder if kissing her was on his list though? I thought after everything that happened last time he’d realise of everyone that’d gut me the most; but then I suppose I would, (in a non lesbian way), she’s everything I’m not; You know that girl at school, who walks into a room and beats down the self esteem of every girl there, well yeah, that’s her.. The difference but, is that that usual girl is someone you don’t know, don’t talk to; this one is one of the most beautiful people I’ve met. And I could never be upset at her, ever. So who do I be upset at? Him? Myself? What difference does it make? Holding grudges just causes misery, and I always seem to learn that the hard way; but then if I am so carefree about everything, do the people I’m closest to just take advantage of it?

Drunk People; they come in many different shapes and sizes...

· Happy drunks

· Sad drunks

· Aggressive drunks

· Slutty drunks

· Honest drunks

· Talkative drunks

· Story telling drunks

Usually I fit into the happy drunk section;; and I love it. It creates great adventures and long DNM’s. Last night though honesty got the better of me and successfully made me pathetic.

You always want to know what I’m thinking... Well did you expect this? That I’d tell the whole world that I love you.

I shouldn’t have said what I did last night, it was pointless, useless.

The only thing that’s good about me is that I’m passionate, and strong for what I feel or believe;; but I don’t even have that anymore. I’m so weak. Why would I give up someone who means everything to me to make my life ‘easier’? Because I thought he’d wait for me? Maybe, all I know is that it’s the first time I’ve thought with my head instead of my heart; and it’s the stupidest decision I’ve ever made in my life.

The hardest thing: and what I suppose I should of realised a long time ago, is knowing that you loved someone more than they loved you. Yeah, this is where I fall off.